Suggestions for
VISITORS’ BOOK entries:
FLATTERIES:
Oh Payton, you are beyond compare!
Payton, I am in awe of your talent!
Mr Inkletter, when I grow up I want to be just like you.
After spending time at your site, I don’t want to visit anywhere else.
This visit has taught me more than I ever knew.
Mr Inkletter, I wish you lived in my town.
I can honestly say I am leaving your website full of inspiration and hope.
I never knew the human mind could achieve such heights.
BROWN NOSINGS:
Mr Inkletter, I wish you had been my teacher: I would have brought you the juiciest most sublime organic apple every day.
Payton, darling, I dream the most luscious dreams about you every night (females only).
Payton, you are a stuuurrrddd! (Females only.)
Payton, you hunk, you have ruined me for all other men (females only).
Mr Inkletter, I wish every one in the world was like you.
Mr Inkletter, I hang on your every word.
Mr Inkletter, you weren’t behind the door when they were handing out the brains, the looks, the wit, the charm, the sophistication, the humility, the sex appeal (females only), the generosity of spirit, the leadership, and every best quality a human can possess!
CRITICISMS:
Not enough norks.
VEILED INSULTS:
Mr Inkletter, it has taken me fifty long years to regain my faith in human nature, but it only took five minutes perusing your site to lose it all again.
However long you went to school Mr Inkletter, education can never be overdone, can it? You might consider night school.
INSULTS:
You are a loathsome bottom dweller!
I wouldn’t line my budgie cage with print-outs of your pages, and someone else would have to print them out, because I wouldn’t waste the ink or the paper.
Your wife obviously must have got you at The Reject Store, on a ninety per cent off day.
I showed my dog your website, and he pissed on the screen.
You are a disgrace to the human species, the koala species, all marsupials, actually, to all mammals, nay, to all life on planet Earth in fact!
My fit and healthy grandmother pleaded to be euthanased after finding your site.
I’d rather eat dog shit than spend ten seconds at Fool’s Paradise.
THREATS:
If I get my hands on you, I’ll tickle you till you cry.
I’ll have myxomatosis genetically engineered to infect koalas, and release it in Perth.
I’ll administer the Government Koala Treatment to one wild koala caught each day until you take your site down. (A heated pebble is inserted into the back passage of the koala and it is let go.)
